We have this thing in our family - a rule you might say - for those 6 and under: no screen time on school days. All in all, I like it. It simplifies the boundaries around how much 2-dimensional exposure our Kaya gets, and hopefully supports her brain in all the ways that conventional wisdom now asserts (or is that just Portlandia-wisdom?!). But, I have to admit, as soon as she goes for the remote and makes the 'Nahko' plea, it takes a decent amount of effort and commitment for me to deny the YouTube request.

Tonight, I didn't feel like putting forth the effort.
I hear just a few notes of his music and I, like Kaya, am hooked, eager for the calm and inspiration I know can soon follow...

Tonight was no exception. As soon as I heard a few lines, my mind went spinning into Group Leader Land, dancing around Mark's invitation for me to join as guest speaker on our leader call tomorrow. It amazes me what speaks to me in Nahko's music, and how I can so directly relate my experience to his -- testament to the ultimate realization that I've come to in my Group Leader process as well:

We're all one, and thus, we're in this together.

In his recent Nahko Doco Part III, I heard him refer to his music as 'real talk' - essentially "story-telling and truth about life, the process of the human condition, and the experience of evolution for somebody..." While I had quite a different upbringing than he did, my challenges feels similar, and to hear him express them so directly, so eloquently through song, serves as both reminder for me of where I've been and where I dream to go.

Oh, I fear nothing
No thing fears me
Justice has different hats for different days
Please release my anger
Love thy neighbor
Put that pain to some good use anyway

When I first started our Portland CCL group 3 years ago, I was quite afraid. I was afraid I couldn't do it. I was afraid I'd be alone, that no one else cared as much, or enough. I was afraid that if I couldn't, then we wouldn't make it. All of us. None of us. And with that fear, came some anger and more strongly, resent. Resent when people wouldn't. Resent when they said they couldn't. Frustration that they didn't. And overwhelm that I did. And deepened was the separation between me and them.

But over time, along with a healthy dose of awareness and acceptance at my deepest patterns, that began to change. As I learned to judge myself less, and accept my own weaknesses, I was able to do the same towards others. Just like I'd always heard was true, but didn't know how to even begin. How could I accept weakness in myself if I, according to these fear-laden thoughts of mine, was the only person who was going to do anything? There was no room for weakness, no time. We need to act now, and the action needs to be well-directed, right?! My ego heard that and ran with it. No room for error. No room for weakness, in me or other. No room for relaxation. But I hit a point where I was ready to quit. Taking it all on as mine became too much. Something had to change, and though I wasn't sure how, the fact was clear as climate change.

In past life, I cut throats and scalps
And in this life, I mend the wounds I delt
Maybe by my hands or by my words alone
Maybe by my hands or by my words alone!

While I, unlike Nahko, have no Native blood, I've certainly delt many a wound in my role as CCL volunteer and Group Leader. I was careful with my words, as part of my Way was to assure that people liked me and were impressed. But underneath my words were messages laden with judgment and fear, and I know that people pick up on that. And those who didn't, surely felt the one that I delivered with my hands and my actions: "I got this." And if 'I got this', then they don't need to. And what do they do? Stay back. Stay involved in their own life. Save actions for later. Stay uninspired.

So, I had to 'mend'. I had to come clean with what I humbly accepted, and step back in a way that made more space for them: physically and philosophically. And into that space they grew. Where I left a hole, they filled it. And they continue to. They step up on their own, they say 'yes' to my requests, they take actions and plan presentations and get tabling gigs. They ask, on the 3 hour drive to our regional conference, to be "the official researcher".

And I breathe lighter.

Teach me honor
Must remember
Don't be selfish with all your love anyway

Mark always told us to love and appreciate our volunteers. I wanted to, I really did. And I kept trying and trying. But until I was able to accept and name my fear, and do the same with everything that followed in its wake, I couldn't move it aside enough to make room for who I really wanted to be.

I tilt my head back
Howl like you said
In the end, my body's spirit anyway
In the end, my body's spirit anyway!

I finally learned to trust. Trust that it's not all up to me. In fact, it's not even all up to us. And I'm not even saying it's up to God or Buddha or another fill-in-the-blank deity. But when I can relax into that space of trusting that no matter what, it will work out...whatever that means and whatever that looks like...I'm much better off. From that place, no matter what it takes to get there, I can get inspired, and fulfill my purpose to do the same for others.

It's such a crazy catch-22. If I'm too afraid to step back out of fear of what will happen if I do, then I never get to see what happens when I do. Add a bit of trust to the mix, some faith in self, other, and universal design, and it's quite amazing what can transpire...

I will do things I've never done before
'Cause I'm powerful and I'm not afraid no more!

Thank you, Nahko Bear. You continue to inspire.
And thank you, CCL, and every single one of you volunteers (and staff!). You continue to do the same...

For more information on Nahko and Medicine for the People, including lyrics and videos, check out my Nahko & Medicine for the People page as well as their website. For more information on CCL, including how and where to get involved, check out my page and their website.

Earth and hands photo courtesy of leadershipandspirituality.com.